A Magical Hike at Cradle Mountain and a Few Thoughts on Recovery

I spent the day hiking at Cradle Mountain. I took a hard 3 hour hike up to Marions Lookout. It was solitary and magical. Waterfalls, beautiful vistas, challenging physical hike, including the use of chains to pull myself up and guide myself down. That magical moment when you reach the top and see the lake and valleys below and get a great peak at the top of Cradle Mountain. I would have loved to hike Cradle Mountain, and have set a goal to do so when I turn 60, along with the next love of my life.

Hiking alone today I spent a great deal of time thinking about my recovery, and all of the wonder it has brought me, along with all the struggles I have dealt with.

I have been in recovery for over 32 years. During that time I have been sober for 99% of my life. I have buried hundreds of fellows who have succumbed to the disease of addiction. I am so grateful and so fortunate to have lived the life that God has graced me with. I have seen others work harder at their recovery and return to active addiction.

My addiction was not just to alcohol, but included hard drugs. Every drug known to addicts. I have been sober from heroin since January of 1993. That is my recovery date. That is when I committed myself to living sober. During that time I have been to more than 3000 recovery meetings. I have been supported by the most wonderful people in the world. I have buried 3 sponsors and several sponsees. Living a sober life has many challenges, but the rewards are beyond my comprehension. First of all I am alive. Secondly, by being alive, I have not caused great harm to those in my life that love me by losing my battle to addiction. Every single day I am sober is a win.

I do struggle with some components of 12 step recovery, and my mind was focusing on that during my hike today. It is a slippery slope to criticize 12 step dogma. Long term sobriety folks tend to judge you that you are not willing to “do the work”, Normies, that is what we call you people that can safely drink and drug, get worried that you may fall off the beam. And I worry that newbies, those new to recovery, will give themselves the ability to only take the parts of recovery that are comfortable. But my 32 years of doing this has bought me the right to say what I want to say. In other words, Fuck it….

I had a popular phrase repeating in my head while I hiked, and started arguing with myself along this peaceful path. “Half measures avail us nothing” It is from the AA Bible, the Big Book. It is part of a passage that most AA meetings read at the beginning of a meeting. And its the jumping off point for my thoughts.

AA is a miracle and so are all the other programs that use 12-step recovery as a model. It has helped millions of people turn their life around, and in doing so, saved millions of families from the destruction of active addiction. But it was founded by a bunch of drunks that didn’t have the knowledge that the world has today.

Half Measures availed us nothing…. Bull shit. Half a measure means that someone was pointed in the right direction and moved the boulder. Absolute perfection can not be the goal of addiction. Progress is the most important part. 12 Step recovery is so incredibly focused on absolute sobriety that each meeting typically has 3 or 4 components that focus on how long has someone been sober. The shame that addicts feel in life is paramount. Whether it is a slip or relapse, or just “active behavior” we feel incredible shame.

I really do hope that we find a softer, kinder and more loving 12 step program in the future. I have friends that suffer from significant mental illness along with their recovery. What could be perceived as a half measure from them probably requires 1000 times more effort than my daily recovery.

Relapse is part of addiction. Every time someone walks back through the door to begin a new stretch of sobriety is a miracle.

I have had the gift of getting to some meetings here in Australia do they are a welcoming fun bunch of people. It has kept me grounded and sober on my journey.

My sobriety has allowed me to take this trip, and enjoy each day. Thank God for that, and for giving me the ability to see the beauty that I witnessed today.